How to Win the Least Informative Email of the Week Award

  1. Update a couple apps
  2. Send an email to your customers 
  3. Tell them there are new features
  4. Do not tell them any of the new features because A) they can't handle the truth and/or B) creating an email that isn't completely generic is hard! (Pay no attention to the fact that this email contains an ad for your own email marketing platform which surely handles this sort of thing or would be as useless as this email.)